Today is day 6 of chemo #2. It's been like a night and day difference from treatment #1.
This past weekend was supposed to be a big trip with my best friends. We've known each other for ten years now and we've been planning a trip for 6 months. Of course my treatment messed up plans so our big weekend ended up being just another trip to Houston. Problem was, they were getting here around 9 p.m. this passed Friday. Day 2 of chemo. Assuming treatment #2 was the same as the first one, I figured I wouldn't be able to see the girls much while they were here. I was so bummed that I'd actually hoped that my white blood cell count would be so low that they would postpone chemo for a week!
As luck would have it (although, I know it's more God than luck) I felt good enough to meet them out for a few hours Friday night. And again Saturday morning. And yet again Saturday night. I was walking around feeling like a miracle had taken place! Really, I felt so blessed to be well enough to move around and spend time with the greatest group of girls I know!
I've heard so many horror stories about the side effects of chemotherapy. And I know last time was bad, and time #3 might be bad, too. But for right now, it's important that I see how much of an answer to prayer this current treatment has been. I've still had my bad moments; they seem to come in waves. Depending on what time of the day you ask me how I'm doing you might get a different answer. But that in itself is a blessing too-- the bad stuff never hung around too long. Sunday morning and Monday night were the worst.
The truth is that if I didn't have so much help and I had to keep on going through the motions of my daily life, I wouldn't be in such good shape. It's easy to think I'm doing ok while I'm lying in bed. But there have been many times when I've gotten up to work around the house or attempt to do some shopping, and I've only ended back in bed feeling worse. Which means half of the reason I'm feeling so well is because of all the help we're getting in the form of meals, childcare and housecleaning. I really appreciate your sacrifice! It's hard not to like we're taking advantage sometimes. It's hard to own up to being an invalid and welcoming the help! There are so many days where I forget I'm sick at all. So it's hard not to feel guilty about the good things coming our way. I think Terry and I both feel some days like we're pulling off some big charade. You live most of your life trying to cross things off your list, trying to do the responsible thing, keep your life in order, depend on yourself. Then suddenly, in the blink of an eye, you're unable to do some of those things and everywhere you look people are trying to help you. I gotta say, it's thrown me a bit. I keep wanting to say, "Me? Really? You sure you wouldn't rather go help someone else? Surely there's someone more sick. More needy."
Then a chill usually sets in as I realize that, scarily enough, I actually am just that sick. I won't lie-- there are days when I walk to the mailbox selfishly wondering what goodies are inside it. Wondering which of my loving friends and family is reaching out to me and spoiling me today. Then there are days when every card or package I get is just a glaring reminder that I'm sick. That my family is in limbo right now and we can't just go through the normal motions and live life. We need help.
But it's teaching me a lot about the community that we, as Christians, are supposed to be. Teaching me a lot about giving. And taking. And I hope when it's my turn again someday to give back, that I can do it as selflessly as all of you are doing for us! In fact, you've been so great, that you're all invited to my cancer-free bash! (Date to be determined...)