"The tortures occur. If they are unnecessary, then there is no God, or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no, even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren't." --C.S. Lewis
Two years ago I was asking God to send something big my way so I could participate in a grand plan! These days I ask God to keep me from running and hiding under the bed. But, never-- Never, Ever-- have I doubted that my good God in Heaven had good things for me.
It's like I'm putting together one enormous jigsaw puzzle. The puzzle of my life. And I know what I would like the end result to be. And I can ask God for that when I pray, but I know that His plan will work out more splendidly than my own. But for some reason, I still keep picking up wrong pieces and trying to jam them in where they don't fit. My clumsy hands are trying to finish the puzzle quickly so that I can sit back and say, "Hey! I got it! I see the picture, now!"
In all likelihood, God hasn't even gotten all the pieces on the table yet. He's still crafting His artwork and laying the design and I'm too anxious to stop and appreciate the beauty of each piece. And here's the really interesting thing: How great would a puzzle be if it were a picture with only one color? How good is any artwork that doesn't incorporate varying shades and shadows? My puzzle won't be good without the dark pieces. In order for the whole thing to look right, there have to be dark pieces.
I can't be what He wants, or go where He wants, without those varying shades.
After I was diagnosed I used to keep a score card in my head. I'd tally how many "points" 'cancer' racked up on any given day. If, at the end of the day, 'cancer' had made it on the scoreboard, it was a bad day for me. Today my score board looks different. I keep adding up points in favor of cancer. Cancer taught me this today... Point. Cancer made me aware of that... Point. Cancer opened my eyes... Point.
My tortures, in the grand scheme of things, have not been so awful. But God allowed me to see things from a dim perspective so that I might really know how it feels to be at rock-bottom. That's wisdom I needed in order to finish my puzzle.