I had a dream last night. Kind of hard to explain. Put your "dreamcaps" on and suspend reality for a moment.
I was in a giiiiiiant room (so big I could only see one wall of it) that was holding an entire ocean and beach. I was with a lot of acquaintances, but no one I would consider in my "inner circle" of friends or family. The tides were pushing us along and everyone was in a hurry to get to the sandy beach, which was still miles ahead. I was holding to the wall, saying, "What's your hurry? Enjoy the ride!"
Now, it doesn't take any kind of psychiatrist to read into that dream, does it?
I don't like to say that cancer changed me. Because there are plenty of people who go through cancer and come out the other end pretty much the same, only balder. I like to think that God changed me. That I gave him control over all aspects of the cancer instead of being stubborn and clinging to my own sense of control.
I recently read a book called, The Middle Place, about a woman very near my age, my family-type, and my diagnosis. She remained firmly in charge during her breast cancer. And, so, she didn't ride the waves willingly, wondering what she could learn. In fact, at one point in the book she says to her husband, "Do you pray for me?" and he says 'no.' She says, "Yea, me neither."
If you can't find God when you're staring down the barrel of a gun, when can you find Him? God, I pray for our stubborn, self-absorbed society!
Thankfully, God helped me turn to Him again and again, rather than depending on myself. I don't know why I'm different. I'm just as stubborn and self-absorbed as Betty and Bob. I don't know anyone who can put themselves aside without seeking hard after God and asking over and over for your desires to look more like God's. You've heard me say it before, and I prayed it a lot. "God, I want to want what you want."
I don't know of any other way to stop being blinded by the world than to just ask God to show you-- even when it hurts. I learned a lot. And, yes, changed a lot. It was such a drastic change that I sometimes forget not everyone will immediately be on board with my new way of thinking!
I've got a "here and now" attitude. As in, I won't worry about tomorrow. God will take care of that. I'll, instead be concerned about those who are hurting today, those who need help today, those who can find joy today.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.