I've had mixed emotions since I finished treatment. In many ways I want to put all of this behind me and not think of it anymore at all. I'm so tired of doctors that I haven't even scheduled a consultation with a plastic surgeon yet. Even though getting the reconstruction will do wonders!
The truth is that most of the time I'm really, really ok with everything. But there have been a few hiccups along the way that have been frightening that many of you don't know about. I think I might have mentioned several months ago that I've got a large knot on my ankle. All of my doctors have done a physical exam of it and they all say its a ganglene cyst. And I'm sure it is. But everytime I see it, I think, "tumor."
In November my elbow swelled up and got really hot and red. I called the doctor and they said it sounded like classic symptoms of "lymphedema." So I worried for 24 hours until they could fit me in to be seen. Turns out I had the most unfortunately placed spider bite ever.
And then, the day before Thanksgiving all of those awful feelings came back when my oncologist was checking my mastectomy area and I pointed out a tiny lump I'd felt. I got more anxious by the minute as he took a long time to feel it. All the while, keeping his head turned away from me and saying, "Hmmm." He said it worried him and that I needed a fine needle aspiration of it as soon as possible. It was the day before a holiday so the nursing staff decided to try and be heroic for me and get St Luke's to fit me in to their schedule today. So I couldn't go home. I had to drive around the medical center for an hour while they tried to get me an appointment. In the end they failed. I desperately needed a second opinion. Lucky for me, my radiation oncologist is a Super Hero and I became his last appointment before Turkey Day.
I ended up having the FNA and, thank the Lord, the results came back negative.
Needless to say, it's been hard to forget my struggles and just move on with life. I don't worry about recurrence except for about 30 seconds every night around 9 p.m. The kids are in bed, the world stops rushing, the sun has set. I sit down to watch tv with Terry. I have an "oh yeah" moment where I think, "Yeah, everything felt too good. Things were going too well. I forgot to be worried there for 24 hours."
And then I smile, because I remember that my God told me not to worry. Simple as that. And so I will pray to Him and ask Him to help me with that. I'll ask Him to help me remember the words in Hebrews 10:8:
"Let us hold fast to the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful."
And verses 35 and 36,
"Therefore, do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise..."