Bad day emotionally. Feel like almost anything that could have gone wrong did. Have a lot of things to think about. Need a blood transfusion soon I guess. Feel like my children are suffering while I can't do my job of stay at home mom.
Feel bad for the same few people always sacrificing so much to help us. Feel tired of being a patient. Want my life back. Thought I could be done with cancer-mess by at least early next year. Learned today I will be lucky if its over by 2012 (and I'm not just talking about my five years of tamoxifen).
Just want something to look forward to. Sounds silly to say with only one chemo left. That should be plenty to look forward to. But I'm just feeling overwhelmed and alone.... Watching everyone else's lives keep going by. Mine is stuck in "pause." How will kids not be hurt from this 1-2 yr period of no structure and no continuity? I'm supposed to be there "mainstay," their comfort, but right now I can't be anything for them. And how can husband keep missing work? Who will take care of kids when I'm unable to lift anything or drive for 6-8 wks after reconstructive surgery?
And who knew there would be 2 or even 3 separate occasions of recon surgery? I want so desperately to be a whole person again. My concave chest is becoming more and more of a dissapointment. I wanted the surgery asap. I wanted to be done. I didn't know I had to wait 6 months after radiation so the radiated skin could heal.
I feel like the writer of the Footprints poem. I'm so low right now and I know the only way I'm even still standing is because God is here with me. But I don't feel it right now in this moment. Right now I feel overwhelmed and helpless. Hard to fight through it to get back in God's arms and rest. Please pray.
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I can't imagine what you're feeling. I'm praying though. And if it is any comfort, I want to remind you what you already know: you are not your childrens' mainstay, and their continuity is not found in you - God is their constant. So take that pressure and guilt off your shoulders! Love you, and wish I could do something...
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what it feels like to feel like the world is passing you by and all you can do is sit and feel bad. You have trusted God with so many things, be sure to trust Him with your children. He loves them more than you do and will make sure they come out the other side of this ok. I know it can all feel overwhelming when what you most want is to be done. Isaiah 40:28-31 - God gives strength to the weary. Praying this for you.
ReplyDeleteYour blog has been such an inspiration and testimony of Gods love and protection to me. Know that I have been praying for you and will continue to pray for you. Remember there is an old lady in Latexo,TX that will always pray for you. Love Darla McClung
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing person! Everyone has their low points, but what makes you different is your attitude while you rise above it! You are a great friend, and your expierence is humbling for many many people. Keep your chin up and know that not only God loves you, but all 51 (51??? I have like 6!!) of your followers, your small group, and many many many more people love you!!! I'm putting in a word with the big guy upstairs on your behalf!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are struggling right now. Last week I was looking back at your earlier blog entries and when I read the one titled "Better Today" from April, I wondered if I could ever be as strong as you are. You are such an inspiration, Sarah. You have been finding your way through the hard times and you will do the same this time. I am praying for you and your family today and always. Matthew 6:25-34
ReplyDeleteSarah you have been so strong through all of this! Children are resillient and God will take care of them! You have been and will continue to be in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteLove ya,
Susan Marler
Sarah, I love you so much!!! I can't tell you how often you have picked me up from a LOW point. I will put up some extra prayers for you!! Emily was right GOD is the boy's constant..trust him friend!! He will not let you down.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Survivor Sister
I love you Sarah and you WILL make it through this. Just remember that God sees the bigger picture-He sees what led you here, what you're going through now and how this will affect your life afterwards. HE KNOWS. And He has it all in control. He is huge and awesome and mighty and He loves you so so much. He is not only carrying you through this, he's carrying Terry and your boys. HE HAS YOU ALL IN HIS HANDS. Don't forget that. ♥
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