Bad day emotionally. Feel like almost anything that could have gone wrong did. Have a lot of things to think about. Need a blood transfusion soon I guess. Feel like my children are suffering while I can't do my job of stay at home mom.
Feel bad for the same few people always sacrificing so much to help us. Feel tired of being a patient. Want my life back. Thought I could be done with cancer-mess by at least early next year. Learned today I will be lucky if its over by 2012 (and I'm not just talking about my five years of tamoxifen).
Just want something to look forward to. Sounds silly to say with only one chemo left. That should be plenty to look forward to. But I'm just feeling overwhelmed and alone.... Watching everyone else's lives keep going by. Mine is stuck in "pause." How will kids not be hurt from this 1-2 yr period of no structure and no continuity? I'm supposed to be there "mainstay," their comfort, but right now I can't be anything for them. And how can husband keep missing work? Who will take care of kids when I'm unable to lift anything or drive for 6-8 wks after reconstructive surgery?
And who knew there would be 2 or even 3 separate occasions of recon surgery? I want so desperately to be a whole person again. My concave chest is becoming more and more of a dissapointment. I wanted the surgery asap. I wanted to be done. I didn't know I had to wait 6 months after radiation so the radiated skin could heal.
I feel like the writer of the Footprints poem. I'm so low right now and I know the only way I'm even still standing is because God is here with me. But I don't feel it right now in this moment. Right now I feel overwhelmed and helpless. Hard to fight through it to get back in God's arms and rest. Please pray.