Before I was diagnosed I used to wake up in the middle of the night with prayers on my lips. And for some reason, I always started my prayers with, "Jesus, I just want to be with you." It was like I had an ache to feel His prescence.
I've also been asking to be broken. To be stripped of pretense and strength and have no excuse to depend on myself. I knew when I prayed it that it was a scary thing to ask. But I genuinely wanted what He thought was best for me. I must admit though... I never, for one second, considered that He'd use my health to break me.
Since the diagnosis, my every breath feels frail and I've worried how many breaths I had left. And in my human nature, I keep saying to God, "Yeah, I know I said I wanted to be with you. But I didn't mean be with you. I just meant, you know, feel your presence. Or, maybe you could come down to earth, sit here on my bed with me and we'll have ourselves a little chat. Then you go back to Heaven and I'll stay here. Here where I know how things work. Where my family is. But no worries-- I'll catch you in 50, maybe 60 years."
I joke about it now. But these feelings I had were very, very strong. Very, very scary. God, don't take me yet! I've got so much more to give!
Now that we're passed diagnostics and my cancer appears curable, I've been able to relax a bit, open my ears, and hear from God on some things. One thing He is telling me is that I was very wrong. The truth is I have nothing to give. But, He's apparantly got more to do through me. This morning in church we read 2 Corinthians 12:9:
But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
I leaned over and said to Terry, "That's the fourth time that scripture's been put in front of my face this weekend!" Thenm Wendy, who was sitting on the other side of me said, "That's my verse for you!" So, make that five times!
God's making sure I know that I don't have anything to give. In fact, He's taken me and my abilities out of the equation all together. I've been saying that maybe this cancer would open a door for me and I could serve. But I pictured serving in my way-- writing, maybe speaking or teaching. And right now, God's not telling me to do those things. He's telling me to do something which I will not be good at. Something I won't like...
But something that will allow His glory to shine through my weakness. Something that will allow people to look at me and know I'm not capable of what I do and assume it must be God who works in me!
God is very present in my life right now. He's always been there. But He's making himself known to me much more. Which is an answer to my prayers because I've felt so weak that I've begged Him to appear to me. He's used people, books, songs to answer my questions. And because I'm naturally a doubter, He's answered those questions time after time and in many different ways. My prayer for you is that you may never need God for the reason I do, but that you will have cause to seek Him fervently to learn these lessons I've learned. To gain this wisdom I've gotten. To see the strength and grace of our God.