Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I haven't gotten to be the kind of mother I want to be for almost three weeks though. I've been absent. At first emotionally as the news sank in, then physically from two surgeries. Not to mention a lot of doctor appointments.
I was in the pet scan machine yesterday and thinking about how I'll never take a "doctor-free" day for granted again. It's sappy and cliche, but everyday you aren't at a doctor's office is a blessing. Really!
The truth is, so much has been stolen from us already. Time with my boys is at the top of my list. Terry would probably say these last few weeks have been nothing but a blur for him. Caleb has been the sickest he's ever been and so he's up every two hours at night. Terry's been sleeping on the couch (to give me room in the bed while my left side was so sore, and to be closer to Caleb) and so Terry and I have not gotten any time alone in a while.
Two nights ago I talked to Terry and told him that I was healing so quickly that I thought I should be able to help with the boys 'night time routine' again. I decided that I was going to make an attempt at keeping things as normal for all of us as I could. And normal means mommy is around to do what needs to be done. So yesterday I woke up excited to just be with my family. But I was home from the pet scan for less than thirty minutes when I got sick with a stomach bug. It completely knocked me down and I was only able to emerge from the bedroom after both boys were already in bed for the night.
I could have been angry over another lost day but God stays close by and I was able to shake it off. I'm so aware of keeping anger at bay. And God's answering those prayers. He's keeping me going. And He's using most of you to do His work.
I can't tell you how evident God has been through the emails, texts, phone calls, and gifts you've provided. God's timing is impeccable and He's shown us that He's taking care of us. It's like we're walking down this long pathway and we can barely stand, much less walk to the end of it. But God's used all of you to help us along the way. To allow us rest when we need it, encouragement when we can't go on without it.
I've heard from cancer survivors at just the moment I needed realistic answers, I've gotten breath-taking stories at exactly the moment I've needed to be reminded of miracles. And more than once, I've gotten the same scripture emailed or texted to me in one day.
So, yeah, we've given up a lot. We've missed Caleb's birthday, our fifth anniversary, and now Mother's Day. Next month is Father's Day and Terry's birthday. But we know we're being protected through it all.
And we're still learning, too. In our highest moments, moments of peace and thanksgiving, I can say to God, "keep teaching me all that you would have for me to learn." And with every weak moment, I ask for there to be no more lessons. I've had to watch others take care of my kids, do my household chores, and help me with the basics of taking care of myself. It's been hard and embarrassing. Terry has had to realize that we can't do it all right now and he's had to let others do things he'd rather do himself too.
But because of all of your hard work we at least have the chance to rest and attempt to normalize things. So, thank you again.
If I make it to church tomorrow, (and I hope I do) I'll be one of the most grateful moms there. Normal is a good goal, but anything is better than nothing.