Jesus, Heal Us

I wake up all night long and send up quick prayers. It's not unusual for me, really. God's always gotten my attention best in the dead of the night.

I pray, "Jesus, heal me. Let the scans be clear."

Jesus, heal me. Let the scans be clear.

Jesus, heal me. Let the scans be clear.

Another looong 48 hours before we're sitting in the oncologist's office and getting more news. We've been waiting to hear if I'm HER-2 positive or negative, if I carry the "cancer gene," and, of course, if the cancer has spread past my breast and lymph nodes.

Waiting is hard. Hard, hard.

Writing here to all of you, to myself, to God, makes it easier. Writing has always been an outlet for me. I'm a verbal person. Sometimes I don't realize I feel a certain way until after I've written it down. Which is why I started the blog so quickly after my diagnosis.

But the more I hear about the popularity of the blog, the more I have to fight to be transparent when I write. Seems, with such a large following (friends of friends, grandparents of friends, teachers, preachers, young and old) it makes more sense to me to just say, "Cancer bad. Sarah weak. God good. See ya!"

I worry that when I write that I'm feeling weak, I hurt those closest to me. Those who have the most to lose by hearing of my suffering.
I worry that medically-aware readers will cringe at my medical spellings and definitions.
Maybe fellow cancer patients will be more scared after I explain the pain and difficulty I've experienced from surgeries or procedures.
Maybe those traveling their own cancer journey will begrudge me my good news. Maybe they, like me, stick their tongue out when they hear of anyone having an easier time/better diagnosis than themselves. (Yes, I stick out my tongue. Charming? No. Therapeutic? Yes.)

But I'm going to keep fighting to be transparent as I beg to be used of God. For years, every time God would teach me something, I'd yearn to share it with others. In my excitment over undserstanding God in new ways, I've preached sermons, led Bible studies, and written devotionals- all in my head! Like I said before, I'm a verbal person. What I learn, I soon feel urgency to share! In fact, for the last year or two I've been praying that God would give me a platform, an audience, a message. Is this all part of your plan God? Is now the time? Do you have things you'd like to share through me??

Before my diagnosis, I'd also been praying for several months that God would help me reach some very specific people. There are people whom I love who've drifted. People who've decided to follow their own ways and I've hurt for them and worried for them. Mere weeks before being diagnosed I read Romans 1:18-32 and was heart-broken by the passage's dark message of God allowing people's hearts to be hardened. I've been praying for God to use me in whatever way He could to reach my loved ones.

It's for this reason that nearly as often as I pray, "Jesus, heal me," I pray, "Jesus, use me."

Our pastor spoke to the congregation today of repairing their relationships with God. Or beginning new relationships. I was moved to write this as he spoke:
"Even facing cancer, I'm protected, safer, happier than those who are unbelievers. They are the ones truly hurting..."